Friday, July 5, 2013

"the dream" and my inability of choosing correct wording. (NSFW wording)

Wow maple a blog not only can it be linked to le reddit it can also be used for damage control!

tl;dr I think we're better than our current score and that we'll turn it around soon
        Sorry for the rash and spiteful comments towards reddit
        and a bunch of excuses of why I'm an idiot which a tldr would fail to suffice

Well obviously I'm an idiot. Reading reddit post losses or really anything related to us is usually negative. Maybe I'm delusional about our play but I always felt when we played those games that we had a really good shot at winning. Besides the TSM game 1 it never felt like the game was endlessly slipping away. I felt like we had leads in many games and our poor teamfighting lost us games. Most of our encouragement we got was by our coach and manager and it was great to win the first game of the season against CLG. Doublelift's intro became a rather hilarious cult video and we were super happy. Unfortunately later games would always have one or two players misplaying many situations, and to be fair I am the biggest thrower in one of the games this season. The Dignitas game one when of course we had a massive inhibitor advantage and my poor positioning resulted in me dying first over and over. I felt like shit that I deserved it because my team had gotten us a great lead and I couldn't do the easiest job in the game. I choked hard on that day and it really bothers me. I feel alone on my team since I am depressed and to me winning is the only relevant thing to me. In the games we mostly played teamfights poorly or made bad decisions and its never really the fault of NK or Vile in terms of shotcalling because postloss it always feels super obvious and super dumb that mistakes were made at those points. I always read up on reddit, gamefaqs, teamliquid and very rarely GD. Though outside of reddit there isn't a massive amount of content to sweep through. One person on Reddit said we got twice as much love as hate which I'd love to argue against and spam excuses but thats not the point of this blog.

The general perception of the public is that LCS is like living the dream. I made a goal many months ago. August 5th 2012 is a very special day for me, back then I was gold elo and slowly climbing, I had no clue what I wanted to do in the future even though I finished my 2 years of college. However on that day I watched MLG Summer Arena, it was very special since it was the first time ever(?) that a Korean team ventured to North America to play League of Legends. I remember watching Xpecial murder Reapered with Janna, I remember Deman's shoutcasting of "big bomb comes on his face" when Chaox kills off Cpt Jack at bottom inhib turret. After watching TSM go 0-6 (not many people remember but the whole venue mysteriously lost power when TSM was slowly losing the decisive game.) I wanted to play against the highest level of players. I played my ass off and in ~40 days I reached my peak S2 elo of 2560. I always felt as a region that we are not that far behind the others and the whole public persona that puts us down motivated me to try to go competitive. 

Maybe in a nutshell I am playing for fame maybe I lashed out cause we never got that fame in the first few weeks of LCS but I know that we're not a shit hopeless team. When I read that SK gaming article saying we didn't deserve to be in LCS I was pissed. I'm fucking mad cause I know we can win these games. When I fuck up I deserve all the hate but when we win I want to celebrate. Besides looking ugly and having no friends and being hated for kicking out MRN etc etc. I want to fucking feel alive because doesn't everyone? I suffer everyday from my issues, I've been depressed most of my life. I've contemplated suicide 3 times(...) I've never really had goals or dreams growing up. I was always told that going to SAIT was the college  for dummies and I ended up going there. I was always pushed to enroll in a Bilingual (English/French) school when I hated the language and I lost all my English friends when I was 11. I was always awkward and a class clown. That's just my perspective... I know personally that others have issues, in high elo alone I know even more horrible stories its unbelievable this world. I know people would could've easily been murdered without ever having a chance to truly live but I'm selfish. This is about me and  deep inside of me I want to refuse being treated like dirt I may constantly acknowledge that I deserve it and that the truly good players will rise to the top but somewhere deep inside of me I must want to break free. Our chance is coming, I feel like my passion and my will to win cannot be denied. I want to go to worlds, I want to compete at the highest level. I don't care about the money, I might just want to obtain glory for our region as a whole.Cause world's is where everybody is going to watch. World's is going to be the biggest event in history of esports. 

Reddit isn't that bad. I guess I grossly exaggerated it. It was really bad of me to go out of my way to post on my own terms such hate towards the community. Someone even paid for Deezer to fly out for the ipl6 replacement (where we got crushed... bad karma? lol) They offered plenty of advice and help when it came to finding a house and really since we've moved in I don't see us being complacent and unmoving when it comes to our LCS standing. I definitely fucked up there and I apologize I'm not a master of public speaking so my attitude varies from extremes and I often use words with harsher meanings that what I really want to say at the end of the day. Sorry~ if you have questions feel free to ask below while I hide like a coward from Reddit. Cause that's who I am fucked up like everyone else swag. hope the formatting doesnt suuuuck.